How to let go of friendships that are no longer serving you

“Men are taught to apologize for their weaknesses, women for their strengths.” ― Lois Wyse

 

I read this quote and it really struck a nerve. The way we learned to apologize for being women varies, but the things we learned to apologize for are all the same.

 

Our bodies.

Our voices.

Our power.

 

As I sit here in front of the blank screen contemplating what to share, I’m having a hard time. These topics are deep, sensitive and call for so much more than a single email.

 

They’re intertwined in everything I say, write, and teach. So, in the name of being unapologetically me, I’m following my gut on this one.

 

I’m going to share with you a very personal story. My hope it that it inspires you to stop apologizing for being yourself, and to always trust and love your body.

 

“Nichole, the reason why your business is failing is because you don’t have enough supportive people in your life. What your friends did to you… That’s not what supportive, loving friends do.”

 

That’s what my coach told me after working with her for a year.

 

You see, in 2011 I took a HUGE risk and signed up for her $20,000 business training program (that I put entirely on my a credit card). By the end of the program, I was a broken, hot mess… To put it nicely.

 

I was living off my credit cards and not making any money with my business. My debt had grown to $30,000, my business was D.O.A., and I gained 15 pounds. I was working my life away, putting in 60+ hours a week trying to prove that joining wasn’t a huge mistake.

 

[Back to the conversation with my coach.]

 

She said the reason my hard work wasn’t paying off was because of my lack of support.

 

I didn’t believe it.

 

“How dare she say that to me! My friends are good friends. What does she know? She doesn’t know me, my friends, or our history! They are GREAT friends!!!”

 

I felt uneasy and completely deflated after our conversation… As the day wore on, I talked to other ladies in the program about it. I described what my friends had done throughout the year.

 

It all started to become clear.

 

“Nichole, my friends would never say something like that,” one woman said. “Yeah, I’m sorry, honey. But that’s not very supportive.”

 

A huge veil was slowly being lifted from my eyes. Although it felt good to figure out why things were going wrong, I also felt pissed, sad and heartbroken.

 

In high school, all my friends came from unstable households, just like me. We banned together like family. We were each others love and support that we were missing at home.

 

We were a tight-knit group and did EVERYTHING together. We laughed, we cried, we fought and made up — just like families do.

 

We remained close after high school, but as time passed and our lives change, we naturally began to follow different paths. I became super passionate (borderline obsessed) with health, fitness and my career.

 

While I was deciding to take this big leap by investing in my business, my friends were heading in the opposite direction. I was young, only 23. While they were out drinking every night, I had a big dream of becoming a weight loss coach. That old lifestyle of drinking and partying no longer appealed to me.

 

During that year I couldn’t think of a single time that any of them asked me about this training program. How I was I handling this huge commitment? How my business was coming along?

 

They saw how hard I was working, but they never seemed to care.

 

One time when we were all hanging out, one friend said, “Why do you keep posting your fitness stuff on facebook? It’s annoying.”

 

Wow.

 

I couldn’t deny it. They really WEREN’T supporting me, and if I’m painfully honest, they were sabotaging me.

 

When I checked in with my body, it conflicted with what my head kept saying. I so badly wanted to believe my friendships were solid, that my mind would rationalize their behavior and make up excuses for them.

I learned a long time ago to always trust my body… and my body was telling me to put my foot down and demand more respect.

I sat there with snot-filled tissues in both of my hands. “Nichole, you gotta talk with your friends about this,” said a business friend.

 

This was a pivotal moment where I had to make a choice. I could choose to keep doing things the old way (the “easy” way), keep on swallowing my feelings (with food), or keep quiet and deal with it by myself, so I wouldn’t come off as crazy, emotional or sensitive.

 

{Side note: That kind of withholding is not an apology for being who you are. It’s a flat-out denial of the truth.}

 

Instead, I tried something new. I found the courage to speak up.

As women we've been taught to apologize for our bodies, our voices and our power. These topics are deep, sensitive and call for so much more than a single email.  But, in the name of being unapologetically me, I’m following my gut on this one and am going to share with you a very personal story.

Click image to pin on Pinterest.

The following week I scheduled an individual coffee date with each friend. I was scared shitless. I was sweating and shaking through each conversation. I REALLY didn’t want to do this… but I knew I had to if I wanted my life to change.

I talked about our friendship. I shared the way I felt in my body.
Betrayed. Disappointed. Completely unsupported.

 

I gave an ultimatum. I told them where I saw my life headed, and if they were on board and supportive – great. But if they didn’t think they could support me on this journey, I would respectfully accept their decision, and we would go our separate ways.

 

I wasn’t asking them to deny their needs or desires. If they felt like they couldn’t be a supportive friend, I was no longer interested in continuing our friendship.

 

2 out of 5 friends profusely apologized. They were grateful I had pointed out their behavior. They both admitted that jealousy was involved. They said “Nikki, we’re friends forever. I’m with ya.” …We’re still friends today.

 

The other three rolled their eyes, got pissed off and stormed out of the coffee shop.

If I had apologized for my feelings, or for my body’s wisdom, or if I had denied my body’s strong urges, then my life wouldn’t be as fulfilling as it is right now.

I know for a fact if I had avoided these SUPER TOUGH conversations, I wouldn’t be as happy, fulfilled and healthy as I am today.

I honored my body.

I honored my voice.

I honored my power.

… and yeah, it wasn’t easy, but it was ABSOLUTELY worth it.

I know as you were reading this a friend popped into your head. That’s your body talking to you. They’re holding you back. I know it’s not an easy pill to swallow, but swallow it and do something about it. You deserve better! It’s your time my dear. Step up and honor YOUR body, YOUR voice, and YOUR power.

Have the conversation, relinquish expectation and trust however it unfolds is for your greatest good.

And if you need a little more of a push I’ve got an extra resource for you.

 

It’s called Woman Rising. It’s a FREE 2-week virtual retreat. I’ll be speaking, along with many other amazing women.

It’s for women to gather and rise to their most empowered selves, experience their greatest health, and live a life of fulfillment and bliss.

 

Some of what you’ll learn:

*The Secrets to Health & Happiness

*The Art of Having it All

*Feminine Purpose & Financial Freedom

*How to be a Soulful Feminine Leader

*Keys to Weight Loss and Overcoming Emotional Eating

*Healing with Essential Oils

*Sacred Sensuality + More!

 

Click here to register for this FREE event >>  womanrisingevent.com/ref/NicholeKellerman

Woman Rising goes Live on Friday May 5 – Friday May 20

I invite you to join. if you’re feeling called to. It’s time to rise into your greatest self.

Your biggest supporter and cheerleader,
Nichole

P.S. Remember a few weeks ago when I told you I’ve been working on something really cool, that you’ll love?!? Well it’s allllllmost done. It’s going to help you easily access and implement the Wildly Alive goodies. Stay tuned!

 

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